Eh. I am actually an outcast, wherever I am. I am weird, antisocial, conceited, insensitive, immature. I know, I know. Self-deprecating jokes are not funny, but it’s true, tho. I am an outcast everywhere.

But, with manga being my only consistent hobby, should not I at least feel knowledgeable about them? Shouldn’t it make me feel like I belong somewhere?

Too bad,

Wait, before you close your browser, this is not another “D@mn, I aM n0t liKe 0tHer gIrls!” story. Nope. No. On the contrary, what I want to write is simply about how you are free to be everything and to like everything the way you like it.

Anyway, I told my friend that sometimes my hobby made me feel like I just don’t belong anywhere. She said that I should not feel that way; the world is big and I should start writing a blog about manga instead. Or find people with a similar hobby somewhere to talk about it.

I did find some. On Tinder. And OKcupid. Lol. And elsewhere.

But I tried to check tumblr, reddit, or twitter accounts about manga.

Or randomly recommend manga titles to my friends when I feel like they can relate to the stories.

I try to list what is behind this uneasy feeling that makes me feel like a manga outcast. and here is why:

• People around me don’t like manga!

My siblings actually read manga. Well, there are reasons why people develop certain kinds of hobby and, usually, it starts from home. But when people grow up, high chance they also drift away from home. Jobs, marriages, the illusion of independent adult life.

Most people I meet don’t read manga. Here are their reasons: “I don’t like reading books with pictures.” “I don’t read.” “Aren’t those for children?” “I don’t know how to read it. I finished a whole book and thought how weird the story was… but turns out I read it from behind (and I don’t want to try again).” “…Japanese are weird.”

That last one, I think, is because some people are just not accustomed to the fact that there are different kinds of cultures out there.

• I only read completed manga

I used to love reading ongoing series too. When I started working, however, I had so little time at hand and found it difficult to keep tabs on series I’d been following.  I went to bookstores only to find that I missed a few volumes of some titles, and those volumes were no longer in the market. There are even cases when I just suddenly remembered that I was following some series in, like, 10 years after I read the latest chapter.

I have another reason, tho. And I think this is actually common for fellow manga readers: I cannot handle the wait. Moreover, it is not once or twice that the manga I had been following went into hiatus. Or, in the case of scanlated manga, the scanlators dropped the titles and no one was interested to pick them up again. In those cases, I feel like I am hanging on a cliff and someone brutally steps on my hands.

• I don’t do fangirling

I might be wrong. But I think one of the recipes of mingling into manga communities are by associating yourself into certain groups of fans.

I have nothing against fanboying or fangirling. If I could, I would do it too. But my most favorite manga is usually the latest manga I read. I am ever-changing.

I want to be obsessed, too. But I lack loyalty and my interests wane way quickly. I tend to forget titles or characters in few days after I finished reading them.

When I was younger, I thought I liked Westlife. But after a few months, my friend asked me whether I liked Westlife. I said I don’t. She asked me whether I liked Boyzone. Or ‘Nsync. Or Backstreet Boys. I said I don’t.

She, annoyed, asked for the final time, “THEN WHO THE HELL DO YOU LIKE?”

I was like, silently, asking myself, “SHIT, YEAH! WHO THE FUCK DO I ACTUALLY LIKE? I THOUGHT I LIKED THEM ALL!”

Even I got confused.

I failed to become a fangirl right at the doorsteps.

• I no longer read shounen and shoujo

I once stopped reading manga for around five years. Not completely. I still read now and then, but I just could not dedicate my time to reading. Especially with so few people around me who knew about manga, I only had a few reasons to read.

When I came back to the wondrous world of manga, my taste had somewhat changed. My views on life has somehow altered and this influenced my reading preferences. I tried to pick some shounen or shoujo titles I used to love, but found them so hard to relate.   

“What, that does not make sense!” “Didn’t that guy just try to rape you? Why are you so forgiving?” “Why are you falling in love to a jerk like that?” “Seriously? You let those people trample on you? Why don’t you fight back?” “Wtf boy, you just committed sexual harassment and the girl just smirked like that? What an utter nonsense!”

The thing is, shoujo and shounen seem to dominate online manga forums or conversation about manga in real life.  I think if I did not stop reading back then, I too would still love to read them.

• I don’t even watch anime!

Yap. I am one of those annoying people who won’t watch a movie before reading the book (if I am interested in the book, of course). But I don’t think the same reason of me not watching a movie applies with me not watching anime. It is just a matter of preference, I guess. If I have time to watch some moving pictures on screens, I prefer watching ordinary Hollywood or world movies.

• I am not familiar with Japanese and Korean terms (in the case of webtoon)

Nani? I don’t understand a thing. Ottoke… T_T

• I am too whiny, too picky

Yes! If you read point 1 to 6 you will understand what I mean. I am quick to dislike. I am too rigid. I complain a lot. And I might have not tried that hard. I can always try watching anime or learning foreign languages, but I do not strive hard to do it (time constraints, tbh).

—

I do believe not everything I said is right. Perhaps, nothing is right. But to be honest, ignoring over 1,000 words I poured into this writing, I am not actually bothered. For me, what’s important is loving what I love. Knowing what I don’t. I might say that I find some genres not relatable, but since everyone is living a life different from others, I fully understand that “relatable”, just like other adjectives, is subjective.

By the end of the day, I do understand one thing: If I have to define a thing about myself, it is that I don’t like to be defined. That is perhaps why I feel like an outcast everywhere, or on the other hand, why I feel like I can talk about everything with almost everyone.

I genuinely think that everyone has the right to be anything they like, as long as it doesn’t harm others. You can be an otaku. A fujoshi. Whatever. You can be everything, and nothing too. And nothing is wrong with that.